On March 20th I had to put down Tilly, my 36 year old mare that I have had for 28 years. She had some kind of neurological episode, and she was having trouble using her hind end, and I could see that she was miserable. I then arranged for a Veterinarian, who is a hockey team mate to come up and euthanize her. I also wanted her buried at home, so I had to arrange for a hole to be dug, and then someone to push the dirt back over her when the euthanasia was done. Everything went well, but it left huge hole in my heart, and I think that it will be a while before I won't be sad about it. She was with me for a long time, and she was a very special horse. She gave me three foals, and we went to many shows (Hunter/Jumper, Appaloosa breed shows), and we logged a lot of trails together. Its been difficult. Yesterday, Puck, one of her foals, who is 16 years old, colicked for the first time. Fortunately he is doing better this afternoon, but it has been stressful thinking about losing another horse so soon.
I am also still dealing with my MCL injury. This has been a long road back to being healthy, and it isn't over yet. I have tried to keep a smile on my face, especially when going to the gym, but it's been tough. I am not to do any weight bearing exercises, and any lateral movement exercises; so this really limits what I can do. I adore my trainer, but I think some days that he forgets that I am injured and that I have limitations. I have pain, swelling, and most of all frustration. All I am trying to do is get back to where I was before this happened, and the road is long, tedious, painful, mentally taxing, and frustrating. Some days going into the gym is really, really hard. I don't want to go, I feel embarrassed to be such a baby, but then proud when I am able get something done that I didn't think I could do. There were a few days that I started crying in the gym, talk about embarrassing. The tears were there and I couldn't stop them. I felt (and still do) that no one understands how hard it is to be a runner, and an active person with this injury. Yes, I am so grateful that it was ONLY a tear. Yes, I am grateful that I could walk and start running. Yes, I am grateful that it is healing well. But it has been a struggle, and many days it has been hard to remain positive, and not feel depressed and negative about it. My trainer one day told me that I should be grateful, and told me a story of someone that lost his foot. I AM grateful, but some days it is too hard to deal with the pain and frustration, as well as losing Tilly. I am also in pain EVERY DAY, and worse at night, and I hadn't been getting the sleep I needed.
Two weeks ago I went to see my orthopedic doctor (Dr. Servi) again, and she was very positive about my progress. She said that my joint is very stable, and I can take my brace off when I am in the house and doing things that it is unlikely that I will hurt myself. She said that I am 75 -80% healed! She was also amazed at my range of motion, as most people don't get it back so quickly, and she attributes it to staying active, going to the gym and walking/running. She gave me the OK to go ahead and do the Horsetooth Half, as long as I realize that I will need to walk the down hills, and some of the course because I just couldn't get all the training in as needed. She said that I am much better off then most people, because they tend to sit on the couch and "rest" too much. I was glad to hear that, and I am proud of myself for working so hard at getting better - pushing through the bad days. She also gave me a new anti-inflammatory, as I am not taking enough Ibuprofen to get rid of all the swelling and pain, and not being able to sleep at night. She gave me Volteren, oral and topical (I requested the topical), and it certainly has helped me a lot. It makes me really groggy, so I have started this past Monday to just take it at night. This has helped with the grogginess. Some days I was so groggy, trying to run felt like running through the ocean fighting the waves. I think that the Volteren really changed things for me for the positive, and I notice a huge difference in how I felt as far as the pain, swelling, and sleeping is concerned.
Another frustration is gaining weight. No, I have no idea how much weight I have gained, nor do I want to know. That would be way to discouraging to know. But what I do know is that I have gained weight, and I want to get it off. I don't think that my eating habits have changed, some days I don't even think I am eating enough calories. However, the first week after my injury I was told to rest, ice and keep my knee up; which is what I mostly did. The second week I was told by Dr. Servi that I could definitely start walking, but couldn't run until the swelling was mostly down AND I could keep it down. So, I did a lot of walking, and going to the gym; but after both of those I had to rest and ice. I had to ice several times a day, which means that I had to rest several times a day, which meant that times that I would normally be active, I wasn't. Tom also took over my morning chores, because the possibility of me hurting myself doing them was pretty likely; there fore I also lost that part of my active day. So, the frustration of gaining weight and losing my endurance is a real frustration and concern. Maybe if I was a lot younger it wouldn't be so hard to get it back, but I am 55 years old.
Lastly, trying to go through the motions of doing things that you still HAVE to do, even if you are injured. Going to delivery things for Mom at the Memory Care (several times a week), going to the grocery store, driving, cleaning the litter box, social events, etc; all the while pretending that you feel fine, and it's no big deal. But it is a big deal, and inside you want to start screaming, and you get tired of telling people what happened to you. And wearing "real" clothes. Jeans are just too tight to wear over my brace, and I only have one pair that feel comfortable, which are a new, not washed pair - at some point I will have to wash them, and then they will be too tight on the brace. So, when it is cold, I wear my winter Xerion running tights, or leggings, which I never wear in public (except for running); or when it is nice, I wear shorts or my #skirtsport skirts. It hurts to get in and out of the truck, and it is so stiff and sore after driving or sitting. There just isn't an answer, life goes on, so you have to go with it. No one is going to do it for you.
I just feel like I have hit a lot of road blocks, but my internal desire is to try and push through it, no matter how hard. I am better then this injury. I have had a lot of ups and downs: injury with a 10+ week healing time, weight gain, lose of my beautiful long time friend Tilly, depression, frustration, pain, resting, icing, crying, no sleep, and trying to remain positive. Just putting one foot in front of the other, every day.
So, now, here it is 4 days before the Horsetooth Half. How did running go the last 6 weeks that I haven't blogged? Slow is the best answer. However, I think I will talk about running tomorrow, it's time for bed, and hopefully I will get some good rest tonight.
No comments:
Post a Comment